As we head into the 4th month of him being gone, it doesn't get any easier. For those of you who don't know me, or know much about me, I moved a week after his passing. I wasn't able to share my progress with him but I knew he'd be proud of me following my heart, even though I knew it made him sad to not have me down the street.
About 2 weeks after he passed, I was sitting out in my backyard enjoying my new environment. I am surrounded by 6 trees all around the property and enjoy the sound of the wind rustling through the leaves. During this time I remember looking up towards the heavens and having a very one sided conversation with our friend. I'm glad I took the time to write it down that evening. Being so close to to his passing, I wasn't sure I wanted to share the words with the world but I realize now, that I must.
My conversation went something like this; "Where are you? How are you? Who are you? Do you look the same? Did you get a new body? Would we recognize you? Can you hear me? What do the angels sound like when they sing? That evening, did it hurt? Were you scared? Did you just fall asleep? Who greeted you? Was it your angel? Was it your mom? What about your grandparents? Have you seen them? Oh my God, whom have you met?!?! Are you debating with the Greats now? Are you winning? Do you miss us? What have you learned? Does it all make sense now? Why can we still hear you? Is that you speaking or is it our memories? Will you be there when we go Home?"
By this time I was in tears, feeling an overwhelming sense of loss. I just remember saying, "I'm sorry," over and over and allowing the tears to flow. As is very common, those left behind to mourn our loved ones feel a sense of guilt and regret for not doing more, not knowing what the "more" is. Even worse, we couldn't say goodbye.
The following morning while doing my Facebook perusing, a page that I follow posted the following excerpt from The Little Prince:
“In one of those stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night. And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend...I shall not leave you." ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
It was as if he saw me staring up into the starry night and heard me. I cried of course, and then I smiled knowing that he was still comforting me, just like he did when I was going through trials. Yes, he will always be our friend and he has not left us, he's just moved to a new realm and he will always be in our hearts, our minds and memories of the countless stories he had.
Our dearest Michael, you are loved and missed sorely. But as believers, we know that we will be reunited with our loved ones when it's our time. I pray that those that are here missing you are having these conversations with you as well. Say hello to momma for me, we love you and we'll see you all soon.