I remember one particular evening, my ex who had returned home to help take care of the kids when I couldn't, was washing dishes after dinner. I remember sitting at the head of the table, taking it all in, as if I was watching my life as a third party. And as it happened often in that time period, I remember wrapping my arms around me and gently rocking myself back and forth, as if comforting myself. I realized that I did this as a mom to my babies while I was holding them in the rocking chair. For some reason, my mind took me back to that pacifying action. I remember rocking myself back and forth many times, but for some strange reason, my ex had never seen me do it. I did it in the shower while not wanting to come out from underneath the cleansing waters......I did while watching TV....I did it when nobody was watching but here it was, out in the open, for everybody to see that I had clearly lost my marbles. To make matters worse, when he realized what I was doing, I remember he said, "Woman, (he always called me woman), what are you doing?" All I can remember clearly saying was, "I don't hear the birds anymore." I can only imagine what must have gone through his mind, knowing the mother of his children was clearly losing it.
Why the birds?....There are few sounds that can bring a smile to my face. The first one will forever be the sound of my boys laughing, first as babies, then as children, and now as young adults. When I hear them laugh, my heart expands as I look at them and hear their different sounds, especially when it's one of those deep can't-catch-my-breath laughs. Another favorite sound of mine is the sound of the wind rustling through the trees......yet another would be the sound of the ocean waves making their presence known......but my clear favorite, is hearing the sounds of birds singing, chirping, talking, fighting, whatever it is they are doing, it's music to my ears. If I couldn't hear the birds, I had lost my joy.
I wish I could go back in time and explain to him what I was going through internally at that moment but I chose to keep it all in until I broke, unable to carry a short lifetime (I was only 30 at the time) of repressed depression now unfolding due to a chemically induced imbalance. I wouldn't wish that on anybody, it's a horrible feeling knowing that you could potentially lose your children because someone thought you were crazy. I didn't think I was going crazy, but I can only imagine how it looked like to the outside world looking in.
Through prayer, a Christian counselor, a ridiculous amount of medication (before we finally found one that worked!) and just good ole time, I healed. God saw me through my desert and led me to a place where I could hear the birds again. And now, when I hear them, I make sure that I stop, even for a second or two, to sit, close my eyes and just listen. God speaks to us not just through His word, through inspired music, and through each other, but through nature as well. We just need to listen more. :-)
Matthew 6:25-26 NLT:
“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment